Time for an update....

I suppose it's time I updated the blog and give you a bit of a rundown of what I've been up to. Not a whole lot, other than starting school back up and getting married. Those two things have taken up a rather large chunk of my time. I enjoy being married, it's quite different living your life with someone else who is not just a roommate. I married D, the love of my life from previous blog posts. It blows my mind sometimes to think that I'm now part of a unit! I have a family of my own! It's pretty small, and it likely won't grow till I'm out of school, but it's cool. We have Family Home Evenings, which really aren't too complex, we do other family things, like attend a family ward in church. That was a huge adjustment. Last night we had members of the Bishopric over for a kind of "get to know you" thing. It was weird in a way. We're not just visiting the ward with the Grandmas and the screaming babies. We belong to it. D and I are pretty sure we're going to get called to teach the Primary or end up with the Young Men/Young Women program. I'll likely get into the Scouting program, which would be kind of cool.

I've switched my major to History, since for me that's the fastest way out of college. I ought to graduate in Dec '11, and then I'll look at getting my Masters, or just go straight into the job field. Poor D thought she was finished with school, but she's pretty much back in it, tutoring me in my Math and Spanish classes. It took a second for her to realize that the anger and frustration I was showing during Math wasn't focused or about her, but just the fact that I HATE MATH. She enjoys the Spanish (I hope) since it gives her a chance to practice her skills and stay on top of the language. We're slowly getting into a groove of life, how to work together, fix schedules together (for instance I'm no longer late because I have to get used to someone else using the bathroom/shower/sink) and relax together. It's a work, but it's a process which we both enjoy quite a bit.

For the Ladies

As I sit here in a terminal in Iraq trying to come home this Mother’s Day my thought naturally turn to my Mom. I wished that I could have called her, emailed her, something, but being confined to customs with poor internet access, I wasn’t able to. I thought about all the things she’s done for me, the years of care and selfless sacrifice all for me. There are blessed few people who would endure what children put their Mothers through. I don’t think it’s any secret that the vast majority of Mothers feel inadequate and as if they could have done better for their kids. I don’t think that any other producer of goods has the opportunity to see the fruits of their labors as sharply as a Mother. I love my Mom.

Anyone who has met me knows that I have my flaws and shortcomings, but that all in all, I’m not a bad kid. My flaws are my own, and the good things I do and know are direct results of what my Mom and to an extent, my Grandmom have taught me. From opening the car door, giving up my seat, to always trying to put women before myself, they have taught me the correct things to do. Over the years I’ve been able to hear their voices in my head giving me advice or telling me what I ought to do. “Jeffrey, you make sure you hold that door open for a lady. You make sure you stand up when a lady enters a room. You make sure you cook, clean, and help with the kids when you get married. You’d better open that car door. You always walk between a woman and traffic. Jeffrey, you treat women better than you treat yourself.” All this advice and more have formed into habits that I don’t fulfill as much as I ought to, but still comprises the core of my values.

One thing that has always bothered me is just how sensitive women are about themselves and their affects on others, and it’s usually in a negative way. Billions of dollars a year are made taking advantage of the sensitive self worth, telling them how they can be better, look better, or otherwise improve themselves. Ladies and Gentlemen, I fell in love with the woman who has my heart during our early morning jogs, when she wore no make-up, hadn’t showered; and in most times had just climbed out of bed. She’ll tell you that she looked horrible, or that she has other physical flaws, but honestly she couldn’t be more beautiful in my eyes. Now don’t get me wrong, I understand wanting to look good, and when you have a horrible hair cut or you don’t feel comfortable in your clothes it’s hard to have that confidence. Essentially, what I find most beautiful is that inner feeling of self worth, confidence in who you are, and your kind compassionate nature.

I’ve found a great deal of quotes from lds.org, and while most of these are indeed religious quotes, they can be applied outside the strictly religious sphere and applied to all women. I wish that the world would treat women as the princess and queens they are, instead of the objects or servants that we often portray them as.

"Girls, you are of great strength and support to the men in your lives, and they sometimes need your help most when they are least deserving. A man can have no greater incentive, no greater hope, no greater strength than to know his mother, his sweetheart, his wife, or his daughter has confidence in him and loves him. And men should strive every day to live worthy of that love and confidence.

President Hugh B. Brown once said at a Relief Society conference, “There are people fond of saying that women are the weaker instruments, but I don’t believe it. Physically they may be, but spiritually, morally, religiously, and in faith, what man can match a woman who is really converted to the gospel! Women are more willing to make sacrifices than are men, more patient in suffering, more earnest in prayer. They are the peers and often superior to men in resilience, in goodness, in morality, and in faith.” (Relief Society Conference, Sept. 29, 1965.)" 1

"As fathers we should have love unbounded for the mothers of our children. We should accord to them the gratitude, respect, and praise that they deserve. Husbands, to keep alive the spirit of romance in your marriage, be considerate and kind in the tender intimacies of your married life. Let your thoughts and actions inspire confidence and trust. Let your words be wholesome and your time together be uplifting. Let nothing in life take priority over your wife—neither work, recreation, nor hobby.

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." 2

"Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” (Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11)" 3

"President Ezra Taft Benson has stated, “Man is at his best when complemented by a good woman’s natural influence” (Woman, Salt Lake City, Deseret Book Co., 1979, p. 69).

In 1935 the First Presidency stated, “The true spirit of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gives to woman the highest place of honor in human life” This has been confirmed by President Heber J. Grant: “Without the wonderful work of the women I realize that the Church would have been a failure”.

In preparation for that surpassing experience, it is important for you to learn now to appreciate the special gifts of the good sisters of the Church, whom God has so abundantly endowed with talents. Your eternal helpmate will gently hold you to your potential. She will give loving and thoughtful encouragement, as well as comfort and discipline. She will also lift you up when you are down and bring you back to earth when you are puffed up. She will bless your life in countless ways. As President Kimball said, “Brethren, we cannot be exalted without our wives. There can be no heaven without righteous women” (Ensign, Nov. 1979, p. 5).

In recent years a debate has raged about the equality of the sexes. Women are not in any sense lesser creations than men. In fact, they lose something when they are compared to men. President David O. McKay stated, “A beautiful, modest, gracious woman is creation’s masterpiece”. Daniel Defoe, the great English writer, stated, “A woman of sense and manners is the finest and most delicate part of God’s creation, the glory of her Maker. … He gave the best gift either God could bestow or man receive” (quoted in England in Literature, ed. Robert C. Pooley, 1963, pp. 261–62).

Surely the secret citadel of women’s inner strength is their spirituality. In this they equal and even surpass men, as they do in faith, morality, and commitment when truly converted to the gospel. They have “more trust in the Lord [and] more hope in his word” (“More Holiness Give Me,” Hymns, 1985, no. 131). This inner spiritual sense seems to give them a certain resilience to cope with sorrow, trouble, and uncertainty.

Any form of physical or mental abuse to any woman is not worthy of any priesthood holder. President Gordon B. Hinckley has stated, “I feel likewise that it ill becomes any man who holds the priesthood of God to abuse his wife in any way, to demean or injure or take undue advantage of the woman who is the mother of his children, the companion of his life, and his companion for eternity if he has received that greater blessing” (Ensign, Nov. 1982, p. 77). This, of course, means verbal as well as physical abuse.

A husband should always try to treat his wife with the greatest courtesy and respect, holding her in the highest esteem. He should speak to her in a kind and a soft manner, showing his love by word and deed. As she feels this love and tenderness she will mirror it and return it tenfold.

President J. Reuben Clark, Jr., referring to the faithful women of the early Church, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and John, and the mother of Zebedee’s children, stated, “From that time until now woman has comforted and nursed the Church. She has borne more than half the burdens, she has made more than half the sacrifices, she has suffered the most of the heartaches and sorrows” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1940, p. 21).

The First Presidency of this church has said, “Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind” (Messages of the First Presidency, 6:178). The priesthood cannot work out its destiny, nor can God’s purposes be fulfilled, without our helpmates. Mothers perform a labor the priesthood cannot do. For this supernal gift of life the priesthood should have love unbounded for the mothers of their children. Men should give them honor, gratitude, reverence, respect, and praise. A man who fails to gratefully acknowledge his debt to his own mother who gave him life is insensitive to the Holy Spirit. I wish to acknowledge to both my mother and my wife a debt which is so great I shall never be able to repay it." 4

"I assure you tonight that I honor you, the women of the Church, and am well aware, to quote William R. Wallace, that “the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”

Our beloved prophet, even President Gordon B. Hinckley, said of you, “God planted within women something divine that expresses itself in quiet strength, in refinement, in peace, in goodness, in virtue, in truth, in love.” 5

"We salute you, sisters, for the joy that is yours as you rejoice in a baby’s first smile and as you listen with eager ear to a child’s first day at school which bespeaks a special selflessness. Women, more quickly than others, will understand the possible dangers when the word self is militantly placed before other words like fulfillment. You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today’s world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms.

When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this.

We men love you for meeting inconsiderateness with consideration and selfishness with selflessness. We are touched by the eloquence of your example. We are deeply grateful for your enduring us as men when we are not at our best because—like God—you love us not only for what we are, but for what we have the power to become.

We have special admiration for the unsung but unsullied single women among whom are some of the noblest daughters of God. These sisters know that God loves them, individually and distinctly. They make wise career choices even though they cannot now have the most choice career. Though in their second estate they do not have their first desire, they still overcome the world. These sisters who cannot now enrich the institution of their own marriage so often enrich other institutions in society. They do not withhold their blessings simply because some blessings are now withheld from them. Their trust in God is like that of the wives who are childless, but not by choice, but who in the justice of God will receive special blessings one day.

The prophet who sits with us today could tell us of such togetherness, when at the time of his overwhelming apostolic calling he was consoled by his Camilla, who met his anguished, sobbing sense of inadequacy and, running her fingers through his hair, said, “You can do it, you can do it.” He surely has done it, but with her at his side.

Notice, brethren, how all the prophets treat their wives and honor women, and let us do likewise!" 6

"Someone said, “When you teach a boy, you teach an individual, but when you teach a girl, you teach a whole generation.”

J. Edgar Hoover said that “the cure of crime is not the electric chair but the high chair”

Her self-esteem cannot be based on physical features, possession or lack of a particular talent, or comparative quantities of anything. Her self-esteem is earned by individual righteousness and a close relationship with God. Her outward glow is generated by goodness within. And her patience is much more apparent than any imperfection." 8

"To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age. To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman’s strength and influence today can be tenfold what it might be in more tranquil times. She has been placed here to help to enrich, to protect, and to guard the home—which is society’s basic and most noble institution. Other institutions in society may falter and even fail, but the righteous woman can help to save the home, which may be the last and only sanctuary some mortals know in the midst of storm and strife." 9.

"I want to express my appreciation for the wonderful women of the Church. We love the women of our Church. We love them as deeply as our own wives, our mothers, our grandmothers, our sisters, and our friends. Someday, when the whole story of this and previous dispensations is told, it will be filled with courageous stories of our women, of their wisdom and their devotion, their courage, for one senses that perhaps, just as women were the first at the sepulcher of the Lord Jesus Christ after his resurrection, our righteous women have so often been instinctively sensitive to things of eternal consequence. We recognize, as one man has wisely said, that while we speak of the impact of one’s mother’s tongue with a lasting effect upon us, it is our mother’s love which touches us everlastingly and so deeply." 10

“One Thing Needful”: Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ By Patricia T. Holland

Mom, I love you.I try everyday to make you proud and live up to what you've taught me. Grandmom, Kelly, Laura, Emily and Tori, I love you too. I hope I will always treat you and love you like you deserve.To my friends and other loved ones, thank you for your example, for your patience, your smiles and encouragement. You are better than what you think you are. You are more than what the world will ever tell you.

Lennon and Obama

If he truly believed the lyrics in his song “Imagine” then John Lennon was a coward. Imagine there’s no Heaven, it’s easy if you try. No hell below us, above us only sky… Nothing to kill or die for and no religion too… Imagine all possessions; I wonder if you can no need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man… What a wimp. He might as well not have been born. What’s the point in living? I’m not saying that greed or hunger or killings are good things, but there really doesn’t seem to be any reason to live in his imagined world. What would be your motivation for anything? I’m grateful to live and to realize that some things are in fact worth dying for, such as the freedoms guaranteed by our Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

I recall reading “A Brave New World” in high school in which society has “evolved” to a point where people are controlled by drugs, mixing that with sensual pleasures and creating classes of society by selective genetic engineering. The parallels between the book, the song and what we’re currently experiencing as a Nation are enough to raise some eyebrows. I don’t believe that President Obama intends to destroy the free market, Capitalism, or the Republic under which we were founded (acknowledging the fact that we’ve since shifted more towards a democracy). I do believe that in his effort to do something noble and worthy, he’s in danger of doing just that. While I don’t believe to be an expert in much of what is going on in Washington or the faults or merits of every piece of legislation which is brought before the Congress, I do try to be well read on the issues. Being removed from the country has caused me to do more research than normal on the health care issue.

President Obama’s statement that the recently passes bill ensures “the core principle that everybody should have some basic security when it comes to their health care” makes me slightly uncomfortable. While I don’t believe that people should have to go without basic healthcare and that it should be affordable, I don’t think that the federal government needs to, or should ever get involved in something like that.

A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned - this is the sum of good government.- Thomas Jefferson

I don’t like the idea of if I work hard and become wealthy, then I will be singled out and taxed because of my work ethic, smart decisions and to a degree, luck. Is it an appropriate time to bring out the flat tax argument? I know that people don’t choose to be poor, my closest friend struggled his whole life against the bonds of poverty, and I know it hasn’t been easy in the least. Health issues, lack of jobs and education among other things affect some people more so than others. To be penalized for not having health insurance, to restrict my choice of what I want to pay for, it just feels wrong. Is it unconstitutional to require people to have health insurance or pay a fine? They can require auto insurance for people who drive because you have a choice to drive or not, but you don’t really have a choice to be alive. Well yes you do, but we’re assuming the majority of people have some sense of self worth and are in decent mental health.

I wonder how all this will turn out. As far as I can see, it’s going to increase our national debt (if you didn’t know, the Chinese already OWN EVERYTHING) regardless of how much it promises to reduce costs in the future. How do you increase the amount of people covered while reducing costs? Lower quality of care? I hope that this doesn’t end up like Social Security, a good idea, just poorly thought out. The smart way for that would have been to just eat the up-front cost to provide for the older generation when it was passed, and then have each rising generation pay into their own accounts. Oh, and have the Federal government stop dipping into that pool of money for other things. We should take a look at how the President tried to shove this through, and why, since he's all about debating and bringing everyone together...

On a happier note, I ran in a 10k this morning! I came in 25th out of 149, with a time of 47:15; 2 females beat me, which is really awesome that they can run that fast! And one of them is 42, amazing. The theme for the race was Al Asad: Worst Beach Ever, All Sand, No Water”. It was a pretty crazy course, steep inclines on gravel roads, declines, more inclines. I swear one of the inclines was a ¾ mile stretch at a 15% or 20% grade. Oh and I started figuring out this whole Roth IRA thing. I thought that if you opened one up and dumped money into it, that was it. After 4 months of having it sit in the account and only earning $1.52, I was slightly frustrated. Turns out you have to actually figure out what you want to plug the cash into! So I did some research, picked one and I’ve made almost $37 in 3 days! Now that makes me happier.

Look out Al Asad!

Wow it’s been a while since I last wrote. I should probably give an update as to what I’ve been up to and how everything has been going. Shortly after my last post, my boss went on his two week vacation, and I moved out to Al Asad in the western deserts of Iraq. It’s a large base in terms of square miles, but population wise it’s rather small. It has more scenery than Taji does. We’re in a wadi, a dried up river bed, there are date trees all over the place. We have a stadium and a patch of desert where all the abandoned MiG fighter planes were left. MiGs are the Russian’s fighter planes and a lot of Middle Eastern countries had close ties to the Soviets in opposition to the USA’s ties with Israel. All that however is a different post. We’ve had 3 major sand storms since I’ve been here. One of them was at night while we were having Institute. We were discussing the dust of the earth, when the dust of the earth was pounding at the doors and windows trying to get inside. By the end of the lesson the room was smoky with dust. When we walked outside we found the storm had blotted out any remaining light that would have been left by night. Between those two things you couldn’t even see your hand when you stuck it out in front of your face.

It’s easy to realize just how fortunate I am over here. I don’t have any bills; the room I live in for free is bigger than the one I was paying to live in back in Salt Lake. I work about 50 feet away from where I live, I’m fed 3 times a day, well let me rephrase that. I have the chance to eat 3 times a day; the food is a couple steps down from what we had in Taji. It’s hard to live without Chicken Sandwich Monday. I can Skype with most people who want to do that, or I can chat online. My section has a trailblazer that we get to run around in when we don’t feel like walking. Life is good.

But life kind of sucks when you don’t have anyone to share it with. My unit deployed with just over 300 people, and we’re going to head back with just under half that. We’ve had people leave to go to other units to work. My boss’s boss did that. And since we’ve moved out to Al Asad our job here in country has shrunk considerably. We had a lot of people sitting around doing nothing, so we’ve been sending people home early. It’s harder than I expected it to be, watching almost everyone else go home. All but one of my friends have gone, and he’s slated to leave early next month. But I’ll be home soon enough, so no worries. It’s easy to get anxious.

I have been so busy since I moved to Al Asad. My boss went on his 2 week vacation, and his boss left to work for another unit. Guess who woke up one morning and realized that he was suddenly in charge? That’s right. Dang. I went from focusing solely on one aspect of things, to being expected to have knowledge about everything that was going on in not only my section, but also the sections that my boss’s boss was in charge of. Even though we went from having control and management of about 40 units down to about 3, the staff went from 18 people to just me. It was a bit stressful to say the least! I worked very hard, and tried my best to catch up with everything. I think it took me about 3 weeks to really get my feet under me. I had to plan out how my unit was going to move from Al Asad back to Texas. I was totally overwhelmed!

I came quite close to having a vacation myself when I first got to Al Asad. There’s a program for the troops over here that lets us go to Qatar for a few days and there’s stuff for us to do down there. Just a little get away really. I had begged to get a slot for that trip, and I finally got one! I was so excited about it! Sadly, two days before I was supposed to leave it was “suggested” that I not go because there was quite a bit going on still with the planning to get everyone and everything home. I had two people trained up to cover for me while I was gone, but it was deemed not the best choice for me to go. That was a huge let down. Once my boss finally got back and out to Al Asad, a month after I had last seen him, he tried to get another pass to Qatar for me but failed. He then told me that he’d let me take off for a week or so and wander the country as I pleased. I had my transportation guys set up flights for me for whenever and wherever I wanted to go so instead of flying stand by, I would have a reservation wherever I went. But the same guy who suggested that I not go to Qatar nixed those plans. Well we had some equipment that needed to be escorted to Kuwait! I was told I would be the escort for it, and that I could just take my sweet time getting back. Ha-ha go figure, but yesterday we found out that it doesn’t need to go to Kuwait after all. Dang it!

It seems that I won’t be going anywhere. Something tells me that if history proves anything, I’ll be surprised if I make it back to Utah with everyone else! But life has calmed down a good bit for the time being. It’s a relief to not have to work 12 hour days 6 days a week and have a 3 hour break on Sundays. While I wasn’t the only person assigned to my staff during that time, I was the only one who I could count on doing things correctly. I’m really looking forward to heading home! I finally talked Kelly into moving out to Utah with me! So I’ve taken care of my roommate situation! I’m way excited about it. It’ll be nice to get home.

Guns!

I've noticed recently, and this isn't the first time, that when I'm walking around with my M4 aka Molly, that I feel a sense of power and invulnerability. Maybe it's slightly compounded with the whole Warrant Officer thing and nobody really knows what they're supposed to do with us, but it's kinda cool. I watch people walk by me and nervously stare at the rank on my chest or on my hat, tying to make out what exactly my rank is. The faint hint of recognition flashes across their eyes, but it's drowned out by what to do with their knowledge. I just have to chuckle a bit as I walk past people who look totally confused by me. And often it's when they're a half step past me does it finally hits them that they're supposed to salute me. I get a lot of salutes to my back mixed with cuss words of realization.

But back to the gun thing. It's going to suck going back to the States and not be able to carry Molly around with me. There's just something about such a visible sign of authority. It's a silent advertisement of "Yes, with this I can reach out and easily tag you from up to 300 meters". Not that I would ever do that unnecessarily, but just knowing in the back of my head that I can protect myself and my guys is a good feeling. It will be different going back home and being without that one thing I've carried around almost continuously since I left last July.

Sex and Chocolate

A friend recently told me that after sex, chocolate is the next hardest thing to resist. I wonder if this has any relation to my sudden intake of chocolate this past month.

Late night wonderings

I wonder why it is I have a harder time falling asleep when I’m alone. I realized this after my roommate Danny went home on his R&R leave on Saturday. I tried to avoid going to bed that night, and on Sunday night I didn’t go to bed till after 1am. I woke up several times, and finally woke up well before my usual time. I didn’t think about this till last night as I lay awake, but I had a really hard time sleeping the summer before last when I was gone for the whole summer for Army classes. I would be gone for weeks and weeks at a time, living in hotels and various rooms all over the country, all by myself. For the longest time I thought it was being in a strange place or the beds being uncomfortable, but now I think it’s because I was alone. Granted I’ve slept alone in rooms for years, espically recently, but the majority of my life I’ve had one or more roommate. From my brother when I was young to Basic Training, to Kuwait in 2003 with a tent full of other people and no privacy, to having roommates in college, I don’t really have a whole lot of privacy. Anyway, I don’t know why I brought that up, I just wondered why it is I have a hard time falling asleep when I’m alone.

Here’s an exert from an email I wrote to a friend about my thoughts recently. I was talking with one of my friends who recently broke up with her fiancé, and we were discussing how nice it was that when you were feeling bad or down, to get a hug or something. She made the comment that "touch heals hurt". I got to thinking that after D and I broke up, I didn’t really feel like I had the chance to “heal” like I usually did, and so I struggled a lot. And when D started dating someone else, even though I knew that eventually she would, it still hit me hard. While I was talking with my friend, and when she made her comment a light came on in my head. That I had always dealt with hurt in just one way, which wasn't necessarily bad in itself, but I'm over here, hurting, and I know that I just can't keep hurting. I have to heal somehow. D’s dating someone else, regardless of how serious it may or may not be proved to be a catalyst and an indicator that I really needed to do something. So deprived of my normal "healing" how could I heal myself? In pondering that it occurred to me, that this whole situation of me being over here was a huge test. It’s a test of how faithful will I be in keeping my covenants, how valiant will I be? I found this quote by the First Presidency back in WWII regarding military service which really touched me quite deeply.

"To our young men who go into service, no matter whom they serve or where, we say live clean, keep the commandments of the Lord, pray to Him constantly to preserve you in truth and righteousness, live as you pray, and then whatever betides you the Lord will be with you and nothing will happen to you that will not be to the honor and glory of God and to your salvation and exaltation. There will come into your hearts from the living of the pure life you pray for a joy that will pass your powers of expression or understanding. The Lord will be always near you; He will comfort you; you will feel His presence in the hour of your greatest tribulation; He will guard and protect you to the full extent that accords with His all-wise purpose. Then, when the conflict is over and you return to your homes, having lived the righteous life, how great will be your happiness—whether you be of the victors or of the vanquished—that you have lived as the Lord commanded. You will return so disciplined in righteousness that thereafter all Satan's wiles and stratagems will leave you untouched. Your faith and testimony will be strong beyond breaking. You will be looked up to and revered as having passed through the fiery furnace of trial and temptation and come forth unharmed. Your brethren will look to you for counsel, support, and guidance. You will be the anchors to which thereafter the youth of Zion will moor their faith in man."

I realized that my being over here is a test. It's a chance for me to solidify my testimony. When I was first over here in 2003 I was upset that I couldn't go on a mission, and I really struggled with that fact. I still do occasionally. I've been told that there are many types of missions, and that my service was a type of mission. Well I didn't see it that way really. That was just something nice to say, much like when I was asking about the temple, and people would just say "it's wonderful, or it's beautiful". It’s dawned on me that being over here IS my mission. I may not gain the knowledge that comes with preaching the Gospel every day and being totally devoted to the Lord's service, but I can build the foundation that one gains on their mission. I was focusing on the wrong blessings of serving a mission. I wanted the knowledge, the doctrine, but I really should have been seeking after the strength of a testimony gained through obedience. So what does all this have to do with "touch heals hurt"? That while it IS true that touch can heal hurt, there are some hurts that it can't being to heal. Those have to be turned over to the Savior. I lack the knowledge of exactly HOW to do that or apply the atonement (if it is applicable) to my situation. But I do know that the Lord can do anything, and we have to ask for it, with faith. There are things in my life that I need to improve. In the past few weeks I've done poorly on praying and reading my scriptures. I haven't made the Gospel the focus it needs to be.

Anyway, so this test is something that I'm becoming more and more resolute in not failing. The first time I was over here I got maybe a C-, probably a D, I don't know what I'll get this time, but it's going to be much better, and it won't be for lack of effort. Not anymore. I need to humble myself, make goals, and carry them out. I need to not be lukewarm, or inconsistent in my efforts. I still wish I could get a hug though. And it's funny, just a few hours before I made this realization and reflection, a girl from my unit emailed me and kinda came onto me a bit. She's attractive and whatever, and told me that I have a gorgeous smile. But I know enough that there aren't too many single people over here who make "just friends" with the opposite sex. So I wrote her back a very cordial and professional reply and told her to have a nice day. So no worries. She's not going to come anywhere near me. I've come too far and worked too hard to fail like that again. It just made me smile to realize that Satan really is after me!