I wonder why it is I have a harder time falling asleep when I’m alone. I realized this after my roommate Danny went home on his R&R leave on Saturday. I tried to avoid going to bed that night, and on Sunday night I didn’t go to bed till after 1am. I woke up several times, and finally woke up well before my usual time. I didn’t think about this till last night as I lay awake, but I had a really hard time sleeping the summer before last when I was gone for the whole summer for Army classes. I would be gone for weeks and weeks at a time, living in hotels and various rooms all over the country, all by myself. For the longest time I thought it was being in a strange place or the beds being uncomfortable, but now I think it’s because I was alone. Granted I’ve slept alone in rooms for years, espically recently, but the majority of my life I’ve had one or more roommate. From my brother when I was young to Basic Training, to Kuwait in 2003 with a tent full of other people and no privacy, to having roommates in college, I don’t really have a whole lot of privacy. Anyway, I don’t know why I brought that up, I just wondered why it is I have a hard time falling asleep when I’m alone.
Here’s an exert from an email I wrote to a friend about my thoughts recently. I was talking with one of my friends who recently broke up with her fiancé, and we were discussing how nice it was that when you were feeling bad or down, to get a hug or something. She made the comment that "touch heals hurt". I got to thinking that after D and I broke up, I didn’t really feel like I had the chance to “heal” like I usually did, and so I struggled a lot. And when D started dating someone else, even though I knew that eventually she would, it still hit me hard. While I was talking with my friend, and when she made her comment a light came on in my head. That I had always dealt with hurt in just one way, which wasn't necessarily bad in itself, but I'm over here, hurting, and I know that I just can't keep hurting. I have to heal somehow. D’s dating someone else, regardless of how serious it may or may not be proved to be a catalyst and an indicator that I really needed to do something. So deprived of my normal "healing" how could I heal myself? In pondering that it occurred to me, that this whole situation of me being over here was a huge test. It’s a test of how faithful will I be in keeping my covenants, how valiant will I be? I found this quote by the First Presidency back in WWII regarding military service which really touched me quite deeply.
"To our young men who go into service, no matter whom they serve or where, we say live clean, keep the commandments of the Lord, pray to Him constantly to preserve you in truth and righteousness, live as you pray, and then whatever betides you the Lord will be with you and nothing will happen to you that will not be to the honor and glory of God and to your salvation and exaltation. There will come into your hearts from the living of the pure life you pray for a joy that will pass your powers of expression or understanding. The Lord will be always near you; He will comfort you; you will feel His presence in the hour of your greatest tribulation; He will guard and protect you to the full extent that accords with His all-wise purpose. Then, when the conflict is over and you return to your homes, having lived the righteous life, how great will be your happiness—whether you be of the victors or of the vanquished—that you have lived as the Lord commanded. You will return so disciplined in righteousness that thereafter all Satan's wiles and stratagems will leave you untouched. Your faith and testimony will be strong beyond breaking. You will be looked up to and revered as having passed through the fiery furnace of trial and temptation and come forth unharmed. Your brethren will look to you for counsel, support, and guidance. You will be the anchors to which thereafter the youth of Zion will moor their faith in man."
I realized that my being over here is a test. It's a chance for me to solidify my testimony. When I was first over here in 2003 I was upset that I couldn't go on a mission, and I really struggled with that fact. I still do occasionally. I've been told that there are many types of missions, and that my service was a type of mission. Well I didn't see it that way really. That was just something nice to say, much like when I was asking about the temple, and people would just say "it's wonderful, or it's beautiful". It’s dawned on me that being over here IS my mission. I may not gain the knowledge that comes with preaching the Gospel every day and being totally devoted to the Lord's service, but I can build the foundation that one gains on their mission. I was focusing on the wrong blessings of serving a mission. I wanted the knowledge, the doctrine, but I really should have been seeking after the strength of a testimony gained through obedience. So what does all this have to do with "touch heals hurt"? That while it IS true that touch can heal hurt, there are some hurts that it can't being to heal. Those have to be turned over to the Savior. I lack the knowledge of exactly HOW to do that or apply the atonement (if it is applicable) to my situation. But I do know that the Lord can do anything, and we have to ask for it, with faith. There are things in my life that I need to improve. In the past few weeks I've done poorly on praying and reading my scriptures. I haven't made the Gospel the focus it needs to be.
Anyway, so this test is something that I'm becoming more and more resolute in not failing. The first time I was over here I got maybe a C-, probably a D, I don't know what I'll get this time, but it's going to be much better, and it won't be for lack of effort. Not anymore. I need to humble myself, make goals, and carry them out. I need to not be lukewarm, or inconsistent in my efforts. I still wish I could get a hug though. And it's funny, just a few hours before I made this realization and reflection, a girl from my unit emailed me and kinda came onto me a bit. She's attractive and whatever, and told me that I have a gorgeous smile. But I know enough that there aren't too many single people over here who make "just friends" with the opposite sex. So I wrote her back a very cordial and professional reply and told her to have a nice day. So no worries. She's not going to come anywhere near me. I've come too far and worked too hard to fail like that again. It just made me smile to realize that Satan really is after me!
