Ich bin ein Berliner

A lot of people have been asking me what I’ve been doing lately, or what my unit does, and what I’ll be doing overseas. My unit will coordinate all the logistics in a section of Iraq, and we’ve spent the last few weeks setting up a command center area for a simulation of what we’ll be doing over there. We’ll be covering situations ranging from salmonella outbreak in the chow halls, convoys getting hit, or people dying. All in all there are around 30 some situations that we’re trying to prepare for. We have plans for how we’ll react and who we contact, what reports we need to generate and how to meet suspenses. My section, the Property Book section doesn’t have a very large part in what they’re doing for this exercise. We manage and track all the property that needs to be accounted for within the units that we oversee. So overseas we’ll be very busy with units coming and going home, transferring their property to new units or even sending it to Afghanistan if needed. But here, for this, all we’d say is “account for property, see if the unit can still accomplish their mission if they lose something, if they need it, we’ll try to find an extra one, if we don’t have extra, we’ll order one”. I’ve been practicing saying that for over a week, I’m pretty good at it now. I’ve also been practicing my blank stare for when people ask me the inevitable stupid questions.
The plan was to run operations 24 hours a day, just like we’ll be doing overseas. The plan was to start that Friday night. The plan, like all Army plans, was changed at the last minute on the whim of someone that it isn’t affected by it. The building that we’re holding this exercise in contains a good bit of Secret and Classified stuff, nothing too important looking (trust me, I’ve looked for the good stuff). But that being the case, we’re not allowed to have access to cell phones or internet sites other than military. So I’m typing this on a word document which I’m going to email to myself via my Army email account. And then erase all the evidence! Anyway, today my section all went to sit around in the building and stare at each other like we’ve done for the past week, when just after lunch, they decided to bump up the day that they were going to start running 24hr ops to tonight. I managed to find a ride home around 2pm, sent off some emails for work, and took an hour and a half nap, ate dinner, and failed to get any more sleep after that. Once I got back here, myself and one other guy were supposed to run the section tonight, but guess what? They’re not even doing anything with the simulation till at least 4am Friday morning! They don’t even have any of the information loaded on the computers yet! None of the key players are here! They’re all in bed asleep! Needless to say, I should have seen this coming. I sent the other guy home on the same van that took us over here so at least he could get some sleep.
I’m determined to somehow stage a protest of sorts to the stupidity of all this. So far all I’ve managed to do is wear a beanie while I’m typing this because the thermostat is stuck on 60. Wearing a hat indoors is very against military regulations. Instead of provoking awareness of how dumb all of us being here tonight is, I’m getting lots of thumbs up and people telling me that I’ve got a good idea. I need a new form of protest. I should have brought my sleeping bag and bundled up in it while I type this. I think that soon I’ll take my boots off too. My feet have already been in boots for 12 hours today, I know they’re not looking forward to being in them till 8 am when the change of shift gets here.
People ask me what I do for my “training” while I’m here. If you took all the time that I was actually doing something productive and worthwhile in the three weeks I’ve been here, you might have about five days worth. The rest of it I’ve spent eating, waiting in line, sleeping, reading, waiting in line, working out, trying not to sleep through pointless classes (including the suicide prevention class that made you want to kill yourself) waiting in line, trying to sleep through pointless briefings, waiting in line, and...playing on the internet. I need to be slightly more productive. Sadly, a lot of the things I’d like to do, or would consider productive; I can’t do during a normal day. It just wouldn’t look very good if there’s an office full of busy, important looking people and I’m sitting in the middle of them reading a book. So I sit there and stare at everyone and try to look like I have a clue about what’s going on.
I realized today that I’m a tradable commodity. One of the guys in my section is from China, he’s not a citizen, his parents are both either former or currently with the Chinese military, and for some reason he can’t get a Security clearance. Imagine that. Yeah, you have to have a Secret clearance in order to work in my section. So we had to kick him out, but now we’ve got two open spots in our section to fill. I’m sitting in a senior enlisted slot myself. My boss could easily trade a Warrant Officer for two younger enlisted Soldiers, and possibly a senior enlisted person too, if he included a few selections in next year’s draft to sweeten the deal. I’m already working outside of my career field, so why not switch me to something I know nothing about? I hope my boss doesn’t figure this out. Yeah, I’d trade one young wet behind the ears Warrant who has a “don’t mess with me or my people” attitude for two young trainable fearful enlisted people and possibly a senior enlisted who knows what they’re doing.
It’s easy to see where the importance is in my unit as well. We’re in an old WWII style gym, with an office space upstairs with windows that look out over the old basketball court. The whole floor is raised up via a wooden platform to allow access for wires and such. And about the last 10 feet of the platform, there’s a wall. A nice drab grey wall. On the far side of the wall they have flat screen tvs, projector screens, phones, a sound system, brand new computers with three screens, nice stadium seating and a sense of “I’m better than you are” (reminds me of provo…). On my side of the wall we have a shortage of paper and ink for our printers, cardboard boxes, old laptops (you can use the internet on the one I’m on, but not print, and visa versa for the other), wires running everywhere that we’ve tried to duct tape down, metal folding chairs, card tables for desks, a phone that isn’t hooked up, and me in my beanie trying to look tough. I’m pretty sure I saw someone starting a fire in a barrel in the back. I call this building Berlin, and I live in East Berlin. I used to go over to West Berlin to visit some friends, but they deported everyone who didn’t belong in there. I can still see over that wall though, and they give me dirty looks for doing so. OH! I forgot to tell you the best part! The wooden platform ends about 4 feet behind our desks, and it has a 1 inch lip that comes up to keep the one wheeled chair (which I’m sitting in!) from rolling off the edge. But I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen trip over that sucker, or step on it and roll an ankle and fall onto the walkway below. I tell ya, we East Berliners really know how to have a good time. As one of my friends once said, it’s ghetto with a capital GH.
I think for the most part I am actually having a good time; as much as is applicable anyway. My section is in good shape, though I’m going to need a translator for the Puerto Rican that I’ll be working with. I swear he speaks English, but he doesn’t understand it to save his life. He thought he had today off, so he didn’t show up for work. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated that. If I have to go sit in the freezing building and not have my cell phone, the he has to as well. I like my bosses; I’ve got three of them, my section boss, and then two others who run the section that we fall into. The big boss is great, he’s kinda high up on the food chain, so he can throw his rank around when we need it, and he’s got a southern drawl and cusses at things and situations that need to be cussed at. I’ve got a salty old Chief Warrant Officer 4 that most people are scared to death of but I can’t wait to learn everything he knows (the man ran several state’s worth of units till a few years ago), and then my boss is way relaxed. That’s probably a side effect of his civilian job, running the state of Utah’s Alcohol department for about a third of the state. He does taste testing at all the stores, so he gets to sip scotch at 9am. He has to spit it out or he’s be blitzed by noon everyday. That and the whole drinking on the job thing. I’ve got an NCO who is phenomenal, I told him that we were going to give a PT test to some of the guys, and in my mind, everything was taken care of. Well he went and mapped out the two mile run, got all the paperwork together, got all the required regulations, the man is on top of it. I know that whatever I tell him to do; he’s going to get it done. And the young guys are all pretty motivated and seem eager to do their jobs. It’s hard to keep them occupied; there usually isn’t a whole lot for them to do, so they’re bored out of their minds. But once we get overseas it’s going to pick up quite a bit.
Well I’ve talked your ear off, if you’ve even made it this far. It’s only 2am, and I’ve got to somehow stay awake for another 5 or 6 hours still. Yawn…. Thankfully I have Friday off.

Something's been bothering me

Normally when I write a blog, it's spewed straight from my head to the screen, little editing or rearranging goes on if any at all. This topic however I've been debating whether or not to talk about it all day, and I decided that while it may be short, semi repetitive, and not able to be understood by the average reader (out of the 4 or 5 of you who actually read my stuff) I'm going to try to edit and refine this a bit more than usual. Hmm, that whole thing was two sentences long. I'm going to have to work on that. Later.
Today I went back on antidepressants. I've been feeling kinda down for the last several months with all the changes in my life that have been happening. A major relationship change, somewhat a career change in becoming a Warrant Officer, changing units and leaving behind a huge source of strength in my friend Paul, my best friend Jason and I were resolving our differences, stressing about my new unit going to Iraq, moving out of my house, feeling disconnected from just about everything in my world, and most of all distant from my Heavenly Father.
Several of my closest friends have known about my situation for a while. I thought that maybe once I got to Texas and had a change of scenery that things would get better. I think that coming to Texas revealed just how bad it was. If you recall I made a list of goals to keep myself busy and improve myself. I feel that those were all worthy and attainable goals that I'm still going to work on. I wasn't getting anything done on any of those goals. I didn't have anything going during the day, so it wasn't a lack of time, but I was so drained and unmotivated, devoid of energy or desire, that i would end up just sitting in my chair piddling around on the Internet. For a whole week almost. I was in a room full of people but I was alone. Now granted I know I'm not alone in any sense of the word, but I still feel very alone. I lack most of the key things that people in my situation use to ground themselves while they're gone. A house, a wife/girlfriend, kids, a real job, family close by... I have tons of friends, ones that I know I'll keep till the day I die and then some. And my sister lives in Provo with her husband so that's nice. But I just feel the profound lack of something, that feeling of home, that place I can go to. I had it, but i lost it. I know I can always go to my parents house, but they live in a house and a town that I've never lived in before, and I can't bring myself to call it home yet. My parents and one of my sisters are there, and where my Mom is will always be home to me, but I just haven't emotionally connected to it yet. So lately I have just been feeling like a sail flapping in the storm.

My main point isn't so much a woe-is-me type thing, I'm going to be ok and I know it. It's just going to take 3-4 weeks for me to get fully there and then work on myself to get back off the meds. My main point is more to a few of my friends who mean extremely well, but just don't quite understand the nature of the disease. A dear friend of mine sent me this quote when she heard I was struggling. It's by President Hinkley:
"Faith in something greater than ourselves enables us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when the challenges seem overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain. The marvelous thing about prayer is that it is personal, it is individual, it is the most intimate communication between us and our Father. We should not hesitate to ask Him to bless us, to help us realize our righteous ambitions. We can ask Him for the important things that mean so much to us in life. He stands ready to help, strengthen and comfort."
I love that quote. It give me hope, and inspiration. And I've kinda felt that if I had to turn to medication again to help me feel normal, or have enough energy to do more than just lay in bed and think about how much just laying in bed sucks, I would be giving up on Heavenly Father's ability to work within my life, heal me when I needed healing, and taking a cheap way out of my trials. Another friend told me that I needed to read my scriptures more often and pray better (all the while being careful not to imply that I was doing poorly to start, just that increased faith and study brings increased blessings and strength). And these two friends are totally correct in their suggestions and bringing about the quotes. I haven't been as faithful as I need or want to be in doing the things that will bring me blessings. But when you can tell that there's not something quite right with you, that you normally don't feel this way, and it's been this way for a while and it's not getting better... It's maybe time to do something about it. When someone asks you what you're down about, and the answer is everything, it might be time.
I had to sit in a line, or wait to sit in a line for about 7 hours today. I had my ipod touch on me, with an awesome new LDS scripture app on it that i was going to read. Seriously, it's got all the talks from the past 5 general conferences, all the hymns, the manuals, Preach My Gospel, and just about everything else you could ever want. I got it out to read, but I was so unfocused that I couldn't keep more than five words strung together. I don't need to be like this when I'm accounting for several billion dollars of property in Iraq.

So instead of going to Disneyworld like I had been planning to, I am feeling the need to go home and see my Mom and what family is there in Alabama when I get a pass here next month. I need to reestablish those connections that will help me feel grounded and center myself. I hope to see the people I love and care about, pet my dog, maybe go down a river in an inner tube and have some s'mores. I'm working on drawing closer to Heavenly Father, we're having some good chats, and more are to come. Till I can feel normal and grounded again, I've got my wonderful stupid blue pills.

And no, I didn't really bother editing this either.

Name that gun!

Ok everybody, it's something of a tradition for Soldiers to name their weapons after their wives or girlfriends as they head overseas. Since I'm short a wife or girlfriend, I'm going to open up the naming of my M4 to the general public. Once I get some suggestions, I'll let you all know what I pick!

Sitting around

If you recall one of my previous posts I made quite a few ambitious goals for myself. If I were to grade myself right now, I'd have to give myself a solid D minus. I have yet to work out, I haven't read nearly as much as I would like to, and the most Spanish I've learned is how to say I'm bored: Estoy aburrido. Actually I'm getting about a word a day texted to me for me to learn. It's not too bad. So all this means I have only have upwards to go! I'm starting to read at night more, and I find that it calms me after a long day.
Speaking of my days, can I just tell you that since I've been here I've not done a whole lot of work. I've mostly just sat in meetings that don't pertain to me or my section, been to medical appointments, and played around with the guys in the my section. We try to eat chow with at least one other member of our section, to get used to being around each other and grow closer. I like it, getting to know the guys better, and they like calling out other Soldiers we pass as we walk if they don't salute me because they know it annoys me. Granted it's the right thing to do, but I don't like standing next to them as they shout out "Hey, are you too good to salute MY Warrant Officer" loud enough for people in the surrounding areas to all take notice. I think I'm going to start taking the longer less traveled way around places. The powers that be traded one of my favorite Soldiers to another section in exchange of a higher ranking guy that nobody has ever seen. I think my guy will be better off where he's at now, but I was looking forward to having someone with a similar sense of humor and morals to hang out with.
I feel slightly guilty being here with nothing to do. The computer system that I'll be using is a live system, and what we change in there is changed in the real world, so we can't exactly train on the system very often. I end up sitting in my chair next to my bunk like I am now, playing on my laptop. At least I'm getting my money's worth for it! Most of my other Officer friends have things to do during the day, either courses they're taking or things that actually pertain to us leaving. You should see some of the looks that I get for sleeping till 7 when they all are up at 5, and I'm sitting in my chair when they get back at night! Hey, I'm sorry I don't have to be at work till 830 most days and a busy day at work is when I've got 2 hours worth of stuff to do, if I stretch it. Oh well, I guess it just gives me a better chance to start working on my goals and get into a routine. I just can't wait for the actual training to start happening. Still no mail....
WO1 McGill Jeff
HHC 96th STB
North Fort Hood, TX 76544

Visiting my Brother

Last Saturday I had the pleasure and joy of hanging out with my brother's family for the first time ever. I've met my sister in law Cassie once before, and she is one cool girl. I'm pretty sure that she has more tattoos that my brother does, and if she really wanted to, as big as my brother is, I'm sure she could beat him up. My niece Alexis is pretty chill. You can tell she has been raised by my brother who has been a stay at home dad ever since she was born. I really enjoyed it since my niece is starting to develop a personality instead of just laying there looking at everything. She's walking, making noises, laughing, all sorts of things. She let me hold her, and didn't cry at all really. I think she quite enjoyed being held by me, I know i enjoyed it anyway. I'm really glad that I was able to visit them. It was great timing since it was my brother's 28th birthday. I wish that my brother and his family lived closer to me so I could see them more often. And thanks to my friend Tara for reminding me how to post pictures to this thing.

Texas

I’ve been in Texas for about three days now, and I think in those three days I’ve produced more sweat than I did the whole time I lived in Utah. And the thing is, it’s only going to get worse! Good thing I like the heat. We haven’t done a whole lot it seems, just going through some stations that make sure our paperwork and medical issues are ok. Everybody has to go through and get shots, have their hearing checked, make sure we all have wills etc. Since I’ve already been over once I don’t have to get most of the shots thankfully, only the anthrax vaccine. I really like my section quite a bit, they’re a group of good guys. They’re pretty young but they’re enthusiastic and eager to please. I’m looking forward to working with them. When they split us up into two teams within the section I’ll be glad to work with my team, but sad that I won’t get to work as closely with the other half. I still miss my friends back home quite a bit. So far this just feels like another training instead of the start of something bigger. It hasn’t quite hit me that I’ll be leaving for a year yet. I know that to some of my friends back home it hasn’t quite hit them either. I said goodbye to one of my friends and she juts acted like she was going to see me the next day or something. I kinda expected a bit more of a reaction considering the weight of the moment, but after I left it hit her harder. I’ll be looking into getting Skype and seeing how all that works. I live in an open bay with about 30 other Officers so privacy isn’t a huge part of our lives and I don’t want everyone listening into my conversations. Still no word on when we’re heading overseas. Well we do have a guesstimate but I can’t publish it on here, so if you want to know you can still text me. My brother is down here in the same town that I am, and it’s his birthday today. I don’t have anything going on today so I’m going to try to see if I can’t get him to come visit me on post and bring his family. I really want to see my niece and sister in law. And him too.

Themes

I find myself thinking about my last deployment and comparing it to what I think this one will be like. Aside from actually having goals and desires to improve myself this time, I feel that it will be much the same. I still have the same worries and apprehensions I do about coming back and what life will be like when I get home, but that will all take care of itself eventually. One thing I did like that I did last time that I plan on doing again this time is I had a scriptural theme. Last time, at the beginning of the war in 2003 when I was over there I was pretty young, 20 yrs old, and gung ho about going over there. I knew that it would be a challenge for me in all aspects of life, but more importantly spiritually. My theme was Alma 46:12+13 which reads: And it came to pass that he rent his coat; and he took a piece thereof, and wrote upon it—In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children—and he fastened it upon the end of a pole. And he fastened on his head-plate, and his abreastplate, and his shields, and girded on his armor about his loins; and he took the pole, which had on the end thereof his rent coat, (and he called it the title of liberty) and he bowed himself to the earth, and he prayed mightily unto his God for the blessings of liberty to rest upon his brethren, so long as there should a band of Christians remain to possess the land—

The desert heat, the stress of the job and being away from my family and friends, everything that I knew and loved caused me to think about quite a bit and realize that I was quite blessed in all that I have. But I was struggling to keep my head above water so to speak. Trials and temptations were getting me down and I often felt more alone than I have ever felt before or even since. Some of my LDS friends over there adopted a scripture which I eventually did as well. It's the entire 122nd section of Doctrine and Covenants. It reads:
1 The ends of the earth shall inquire after thy name, and fools shall have thee in derision, and hell shall rage against thee;
2 While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek counsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.
3 And thy people shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.
4 And although their influence shall cast thee into trouble, and into bars and walls, thou shalt be had in honor; and but for a small moment and thy voice shall be more terrible in the midst of thine enemies than the fierce lion, because of thy righteousness; and thy God shall stand by thee forever and ever.
5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;
6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

So I'm asking for suggestions for scriptures that have gotten you through your rough times, ones that give you inspiration and hope. I know this will be a challenging time for me, but I'm looking forward to the chance I'm being given to grow as a person and to come to know and rely on my Savior even more than I do now.

Getting ready

I should be asleep, but I'm not. I have a long busy day tomorrow, it's my last full day in Utah for the foreseeable future. I have quite the day ahead, breakfast lunch and dinner with friends, hanging out, taking my truck up to Idaho and leaving it there, and I still have to pack some stuff on top of it all! I'm sure I'll get it all done sooner or later.
I just wanted to update everyone on what's going on with my trip overseas and my life in general. I moved out of my house on the 30th, the lease was up, and I'd only be here for another 7 days or so afterwords so there wasn't really any need to sign a new one. I'll just find another place when I get back. I do need to give a big thank you to everyone who helped me move out, both with actually packing things up or cleaning the house up for me. I was working for my Army unit getting everything ready to move to Texas and I just didn't have enough hours in the day to get it all done. So thank you once again, I only made it out because of you.
I broke all of my glass pots, pans, dishes, cups etc.. They were packed nicely and neatly, very carefully (you can tell I didn't pack them), and when I took them to my storage shed I made sure that even though they were up high, they wouldn't fall. Well I went to get another load of stuff, and sure enough, even though the box wouldn't fall when I tried to get it to, it fell when nothing was even touching it. I even managed to break some plastic bowls and containers. How awesome is that? And since I didn't feel like rearranging everything in my shed to accommodate my bed (would've been a tight squeeze anyway), I just left it at the local thrift store. So I'll be looking for a new set of dishes and a place to sleep when I get home. Maybe I'll move into a place that will let me have a large bed! It wasn't easy trying to figure out what to put away that I won't need till I get home, what to put away that someone might need to get for me, what I'll need until I leave, and what I'll need overseas.
I'm living in a hotel out by the airport right now. My unit rented about 85 rooms for 11 days from this place, so they gave me a room for free. It's not too bad, I have a really nice room.
Here's the update on my deployment. On Wed at some time yet to be announced my unit will fly to Texas, a place called Ft. Hood near a town called Killeen. It's hard to believe, but someone high up messed up a bit. The unit we're supposed to replace in Iraq isn't scheduled to leave for another month later than what they thought. It would make sense to just send them home a month early, but nope, that's not what is going to happen. Originally we were supposed to be in Texas training for going over there for a month and a half, but now we've got an extra month on our hands. We can't go to Iraq for that month because they don't have room for us there. We can't go to Kuwait for the same reason. From what I hear Texas doesn't have room for us either past the month and a half that they originally planned for. So we're going to be wandering around trying to find somewhere that will take us for a whole month. My section is trying to get into some training in Wisconsin for two weeks of that month, so we'll see what happens.
My section is going to be pretty busy. We're going to break into two teams, one of which I'll be running, and we're going to manage the equipment of all the units in about a third of Iraq. We'll track it, ensure that they don't have more than they're supposed to, and if they're short something, we'll try to get it for them. With the draw down of troops over there, we'll go from managing 5 larger units down to 2 by the time we leave next June. I have a bunch of young guys in my section, and I'm the only one who has been over there yet, so this promises to be interesting.