The MTC (the special extended version)

I dropped my friend Derrick off at the MTC this afternoon. He's on his way to a mission in France, and I was excited to see him go. This was my third time being in the MTC, and each time, I was the one leaving the missionary. The MTC and I have quite the history together.

When I was 19, when most normal Mormon boys head off to serve their two year missions, I was out screwing around doing my own thing. I didn't have my act together, and I realized it. So partly to get my life together, and partly to earn money to serve a mission, I joined the Army Reserves. When I finally had my life straight, I put my mission papers in, and waited. Then, on a Tuesday night I got a phone call from my Army unit. I was told that we were going to war, and I we were leaving Friday morning. Soooo, no mission for me. When I first went overseas I had given up on going on a mission, ever. Then I met my brother Caleb (no, he's not really my brother, but he's close enough) and he was so excited about the Gospel that it encouraged me to have the desire to serve a mission when I got home. He had actually had his mission call to South Africa and was to report to the MTC, then he got called up a few weeks before his MTC report date. Talk about close...

After coming home and adjusting to being back, I looked at submitting my paperwork again. I approached the Army about going, and after hitting several brick walls, I found that I had several options. Initially the Army didn't want to let me go, and I was worried because they had actually stopped Caleb from going once he got back and tried to submit his paperwork again. But I found a few loopholes eventually.

The first option was that I could go on my mission, but my records would be transferred into a place where units heading overseas would look to fill their personnel shortages. People in this particular place were available for another full tour, which at that time was 18 months overseas, no matter if they had just come back. There was a study done on the number and jobs of the people pulled out of this place. Over a 3 month period, they had pulled 1600 people, and some 600 of them had been in my job field. 800 more had been in Caleb's job field, so that was probably why they wouldn't let him go on a mission. I talked to the Church's military liaison and the military personnel in charge of those records, and between the two I gathered I would last about 2-4 weeks. So that would mean possibly 1-3 weeks in the MTC before I was called to do an 18 month tour overseas right after I just did an 8 month tour.

The second option was to basically quit the Army. There was a rule that allowed me to be discharged under Other than Honorable Conditions, which, if I stayed out of trouble for 6 months would turn into an Honorable Discharge. But if during those 6 months I got so much as a speeding ticket, it would be a Dishonorable Discharge, which could potentially ruin my life. The thing that bothered me most was when I signed up for the Army, I gave my word that I would finish it out, I swore an oath, and that's not something that I did lightly. To me, even though the rule existed, I felt like I would be breaking my word. After getting a Priesthood blessing about what I should do, and feeling prompted that I needed to stay in the Army, I chose the first option. I felt if I could just spend one day in the MTC that it would be worth it. I knew that I should still pursue going on a mission though, till I had done all I could to go.

So I submitted my papers once more. I felt good about it this time. I happened to be dating a girl at the time who was also submitting her papers. She got her call the day that I found out that the Army didn't want to let me go. It was a bittersweet day. There were issues with my papers, I had hurt my back pretty badly while I was overseas, and Mission Medical wanted to know more about it. I went through several weeks of going back and forth with Mission Medical and various doctors, trying to get cleared to go. The day I flew out to see my girlfriend off on her mission was the day that I found out that Mission Medical had rejected my application. It was like a punch in the gut.

Taking her to the MTC was hard for me. Not only in seeing her walk away for the last time, but knowing that I wouldn't get to do the same. Well meaning old ladies working at the MTC kept calling me Elder, with my military hair cut and my black suit. Every sweet lady was like a knife in my heart. I went back to West Virginia and watched the guy whom I'd gone to Mission and Temple Prep classes with leave on his mission. It was heart wrenching for me, playing the what-if game. What if I had my act together when I was supposed to go? Why didn't I just leave out my back in my application...

Oh I was bitter... and for some reason I found myself dating girls who were about to put in their papers or who just done so. I didn't look for them, actually it was quite on the contrary. I dated like 5 girls total who went on missions, and served honorably. I was proud of each of them, and jealous too. They were doing something that I wouldn't be able to do for myself. Something that I had worked so hard to do. I felt I had jumped through every hoop that had been presented to me, yet I wasn't allowed to go. I can see now that the Lord was testing me, but still...

I took my best friend Jason to the MTC when his time came, and felt a mixture of emotions. Today I took Derrick to the MTC with 2 other of our friends. I felt a flood of emotions that I thought I had dealt with. I found myself upset with myself that I didn't do better when I was younger, that I didn't resubmit my paperwork and just leave out any mention of my back. Over the years I've felt that I'm behind my peers for various reasons. I was overseas or working for the Army, so I didn't have a degree like most of my school friends, and I wasn't ready when the time came, and when I was ready, I wasn't able to go on a mission like my church friends. I felt I lacked the knowledge that they all had gained, and for me, that's the worst kind of being behind.

I don't know if I can accurately explain how I felt today. It was a mixture of grief, pain, jealously, pride in Derrick and all the rest of my friends, determination to go with my wife when I'm older... I got emotional. That was one of the few times in life where you can really understand that you missed out on something truly great. During the time there today, it was said that as missionaries you get 18 months or 2 years to serve, and the rest of your life to think about it. Or about how you didn't serve.

I realize that my calling in life lies in other areas, more specifically the Army. I don't understand how the Lord's plan for me works, or why I wasn't able to go on a mission when I had done everything Mission Medical had asked me to. I don't know why I was supposed to stay in the Army. I'm just trying to find out. Caring friends try to make me feel better about my service overseas, and I know that in of itself it was a good thing. But I still feel I missed out. It doesn't hurt inside as much as it used to when friends talk about their missions and how much they learned and loved it. I do enjoy hearing about their missions, because i know for them it was a time of great growth and learning. Once more, some old ladies called me Elder and tried to get me to go one particular way, the old men tried to give me directions or what not.

I don't think I'll go back there any time soon. I don't really like the MTC, it reminds me too easily of the failures in my life, despite the successes in other areas.