Something's been bothering me

Normally when I write a blog, it's spewed straight from my head to the screen, little editing or rearranging goes on if any at all. This topic however I've been debating whether or not to talk about it all day, and I decided that while it may be short, semi repetitive, and not able to be understood by the average reader (out of the 4 or 5 of you who actually read my stuff) I'm going to try to edit and refine this a bit more than usual. Hmm, that whole thing was two sentences long. I'm going to have to work on that. Later.
Today I went back on antidepressants. I've been feeling kinda down for the last several months with all the changes in my life that have been happening. A major relationship change, somewhat a career change in becoming a Warrant Officer, changing units and leaving behind a huge source of strength in my friend Paul, my best friend Jason and I were resolving our differences, stressing about my new unit going to Iraq, moving out of my house, feeling disconnected from just about everything in my world, and most of all distant from my Heavenly Father.
Several of my closest friends have known about my situation for a while. I thought that maybe once I got to Texas and had a change of scenery that things would get better. I think that coming to Texas revealed just how bad it was. If you recall I made a list of goals to keep myself busy and improve myself. I feel that those were all worthy and attainable goals that I'm still going to work on. I wasn't getting anything done on any of those goals. I didn't have anything going during the day, so it wasn't a lack of time, but I was so drained and unmotivated, devoid of energy or desire, that i would end up just sitting in my chair piddling around on the Internet. For a whole week almost. I was in a room full of people but I was alone. Now granted I know I'm not alone in any sense of the word, but I still feel very alone. I lack most of the key things that people in my situation use to ground themselves while they're gone. A house, a wife/girlfriend, kids, a real job, family close by... I have tons of friends, ones that I know I'll keep till the day I die and then some. And my sister lives in Provo with her husband so that's nice. But I just feel the profound lack of something, that feeling of home, that place I can go to. I had it, but i lost it. I know I can always go to my parents house, but they live in a house and a town that I've never lived in before, and I can't bring myself to call it home yet. My parents and one of my sisters are there, and where my Mom is will always be home to me, but I just haven't emotionally connected to it yet. So lately I have just been feeling like a sail flapping in the storm.

My main point isn't so much a woe-is-me type thing, I'm going to be ok and I know it. It's just going to take 3-4 weeks for me to get fully there and then work on myself to get back off the meds. My main point is more to a few of my friends who mean extremely well, but just don't quite understand the nature of the disease. A dear friend of mine sent me this quote when she heard I was struggling. It's by President Hinkley:
"Faith in something greater than ourselves enables us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when the challenges seem overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain. The marvelous thing about prayer is that it is personal, it is individual, it is the most intimate communication between us and our Father. We should not hesitate to ask Him to bless us, to help us realize our righteous ambitions. We can ask Him for the important things that mean so much to us in life. He stands ready to help, strengthen and comfort."
I love that quote. It give me hope, and inspiration. And I've kinda felt that if I had to turn to medication again to help me feel normal, or have enough energy to do more than just lay in bed and think about how much just laying in bed sucks, I would be giving up on Heavenly Father's ability to work within my life, heal me when I needed healing, and taking a cheap way out of my trials. Another friend told me that I needed to read my scriptures more often and pray better (all the while being careful not to imply that I was doing poorly to start, just that increased faith and study brings increased blessings and strength). And these two friends are totally correct in their suggestions and bringing about the quotes. I haven't been as faithful as I need or want to be in doing the things that will bring me blessings. But when you can tell that there's not something quite right with you, that you normally don't feel this way, and it's been this way for a while and it's not getting better... It's maybe time to do something about it. When someone asks you what you're down about, and the answer is everything, it might be time.
I had to sit in a line, or wait to sit in a line for about 7 hours today. I had my ipod touch on me, with an awesome new LDS scripture app on it that i was going to read. Seriously, it's got all the talks from the past 5 general conferences, all the hymns, the manuals, Preach My Gospel, and just about everything else you could ever want. I got it out to read, but I was so unfocused that I couldn't keep more than five words strung together. I don't need to be like this when I'm accounting for several billion dollars of property in Iraq.

So instead of going to Disneyworld like I had been planning to, I am feeling the need to go home and see my Mom and what family is there in Alabama when I get a pass here next month. I need to reestablish those connections that will help me feel grounded and center myself. I hope to see the people I love and care about, pet my dog, maybe go down a river in an inner tube and have some s'mores. I'm working on drawing closer to Heavenly Father, we're having some good chats, and more are to come. Till I can feel normal and grounded again, I've got my wonderful stupid blue pills.

And no, I didn't really bother editing this either.